divorce

Everything was goodbye

He sat quietly.

Staring intently into a deep nothingness.

The smoke from his cigarette whisping back into the car from outside the window, mixing with his cologne forming his irresistible scent.

His mind was one with a hundred thoughts, or perhaps none at all, and he was just this mysterious brooding figure who I liked to assume had so much more to him than just his outer appearance.

My eyes tried to read him, to gather some sort of information so to put his puzzle together. Who was this stranger? He definitely wasn’t the short chubby boy from 13 years ago who ran after the old me telling me he loved me on the soccer field at lunch. A part of me wanted to connect the old him and me together. To remember what good we had in us before we had had to become the people we were sitting in that car. But those kids were long gone, no trace left to be seen. I would be lying if I said I wanted to know everything about him right there and then. These were thoughts that ran through my head the morning after we had been together.

He paused from where he had dove deep into thought and looked at me. He had these beautiful brown innocent child like eyes that made you for a second feel like you could always trust him. “want to go to the backseat?” He asked ever so politely. I couldn’t hold back a chuckle at the irony of the situation. “Yea, lets do it”.

As soon as I had ever so confidently agreed to go to the back seat, and stepped out of the front door, I felt a whirl of panic flood my mind. “What are you doing? Are you actually ready for this? What is going to happen? Can you trust him? Is this going to be worth changing who I have been my entire life thus far?”

I knew he had lied to me before we had met up. I knew we had clearly made an agreement that we wouldn’t even be friends. I knew he had done this countless times before with girls who were both better and worse than me probably. I also knew that I needed to make a few decisions for myself, even if it wasn’t the right one. Who knew when someone was going to fall madly in love with me. I knew it wasn’t going to be anytime soon. It had been two years since I had last been with a guy, and I had almost forgotten entirely what it felt like to have a man touch me. I knew I wanted to do this.

Although I sat in the back knowing all these things, it didn’t stop me from being a simple minded girl and wishing he for some reason that he truly liked me and this is why he wanted to be with me. I wasn’t just any other girl who slept around. I wasn’t a girl who went out with boys, let alone met up with them in a dark alley in the back of a car. Why was I allowing someone who had no feelings for me whatsoever to do something so intimate with me? Why was I allowing myself to be placed in a situation where I would be categorized with other girls who made life choices I otherwise would probably never make? Their family backgrounds, their education, their lifestyles…nothing matched mines. So why was I allowing myself to be just another one of THOSE girls.

He didn’t waste a minute. He placed his hand behind my ear and pulled me closer to him, the silver chain around his neck was the last thing I saw before closing my eyes and allowing myself to fall into his hands. We awkwardly, well, mostly I, awkwardly moved from one side to the other. First him on top then me. He kissed hard, and deeply, his lips soft and warm. He pressed my hips against his, waking up all feelings of intimacy that had fallen asleep for me. In those moments, I truly felt relaxed, comfortable and loved. I forgot all my feelings of anxiety and self consciousness once I felt the pressure of his body against me, and his breath mingling with mine.

He was the quintessential modern day fuck boy.

And yet. I was awed by his ability to not make me feel judged or lacking in experience.

I occasionally dove up from my feeling of ecstasy only submerge myself in my thoughts of unease. “Does he like me? Am I good enough? Has he had better? Is he thinking about someone else? Omg what am I doing? Shit I cant loosen up more”

There was no doubt in my mind that I wasn’t performing my best. A glimpse of the relaxed me grazed my mind, my hand caressing my long dark curly hair flowing just a little over my breasts, gazing at myself in the mirror in my old bedroom while I was riding my ex-husband.

I felt unpolished and rusted. I wanted to be that beautiful dark haired girl in the mirror again, I craved her confidence and her power. This awkward, shy, and stiff girl was not who I wanted to be again.

I can’t blame myself entirely. I knew it had been too long since I had last seen that girl in the mirror. I knew I wouldn’t be able to be her again unless I knew the person I was satisfying was someone who craved me, loved me, and wanted me like they wanted nothing else. I knew that the man. boy. ex-friend. whoever it was who was working so hard to please me, didn’t actually feel anything for me, and perhaps it was that realization that turned me off from myself. It was truly one of those, “it’s not you, its me moments”.

After he finished, he sat across from me, his one hand holding his dick while calming his breathing, his eyes closed, neck tilted back to rest his head on the seat, I was thoroughly enjoying his company. He might not have had any deep attachment to me, but it didn’t stop him from being kind and caring. From wanting to please me. Something I was not used to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements
Standard
Uncategorized

Thank you 

Thank you for introducing me to forest gump

For taking me on my first trip to LA

For kissing me under that stars

Thank you for looking at me lovingly

And for listening to me

Thank you for fixing my routine to always poop then shower in the morning so I spend my day light and clean

Thank you for buying me pads whenever I asked

And always being available to give me a ride

Thank you for hugging me and holding me and letting me bite your arms for fun.

Thank you for not giving me too much to be thankful for

Thank you for not always being there for me

For turning away from me

For dissapointing me

Thank you for leaving me helpless when I needed you the most

Thank you for not texting me or calling me or visiting me when I had a miscarriage

Thank you for yelling at me after I made a huge birthday dinner for you and invited your whole family over

Thank you for punching the walls and pushing me and slamming my face against the car seat

Thank you for calling me ugly and words much uglier than me..

Thank you for disrespecting my parents and family

And for always pressuring me to be there for your family

Thank you for making it easy for people to remind me why I left..for making it easy to remind myself why I left

Thank you for showing me love

But more importantly thank you for not showing me what I deserved..so I was able to walk away from you

So I was able to call it a clean quit

So my heart didn’t waiver when you were no where to be found

 

Standard
beauty

Organic Beauty

I know this isn’t a beauty blog and I by no means am a beauty blogger. But if I can help even one person, it will make this post worth it. I have, and by no means am I exaggerating, when I say I have helped change lives because of these all natural skin care regiments.

Hopefully someone out there in the universe in need of some skin repair reads this and receives any kind of benefit from it. Also, these aren’t my ideas, they are global skin care regiments that unfortunately North Americans aren’t familiar with since we are being sold harmful chemical cleansers, toners and masks.

SKIN EXFOLIATE, BRIGHTENER, CLEANER, TONER, ACNE REDUCER, ALL AROUND BENEFICIAL MASK: Mix 1 tablespoon gram flour with 1 tsp turmeric, a splash of rose water or lemon juice, and 1 tsp yogurt or milk, into a thick paste. If needed add water or milk to make it more runny if you want. Allow this mixture to dry onto your face and slowly rub off. This not only minimizes your pores, it brightens your complexion, the lemon juice helps fight acne along with the gram flour, and the rose water acts as a toner. The yogurt is brightening and a great bacteria fighter. Rubbing this mixture off is the best exfoliation you can get outside of a spa. Make sure to moisturize after with coconut oil or your favorite moisturizer.

SKIN EXFOLIATE, BRIGHTENER, ACNE REDUCER: Plain old yogurt. I usually get a good thick organic Greek yogurt with probiotic. If you dont have that, than any yogurt will do. I go ahead and apply it on the roots of my hair as well, especially my forehead where I see some hair loss. I wait for the yogurt to dry before I rub it off, my skin is 3 shades brighter (I dont do this for skin whitening but it naturally does that because of the acid) but my acne scars are lighter, my blackheads are cleaned, my dead skin gone and its already moisturized and I don’t need to moisturize after. My hair feels more softer and alive. This mask was a game changer for me and my friends, do it 2-3 times a week but even if you do it once a month you’re golden.

TONER, CLEANSER: Rice water face wash is amazing. You allow rice to steep in some water for around a half hour and using a cotton pad you wash your face removing any impurities and leaving your skin brighter and softer than ever. It fights acne and helps even out your skin tone and texture. I love this, feels like I have primer on when I don’t. You can use it for your hair as well. Google the benefits.

SKIN EXFOLIATE, ANTI BACTERIAL, PURIFYING MINERAL MASK: So my mom had these mud rocks at home which she would use to wash her skin and hair once in a while and she would rave about it working wonders for her (new mini hairs within the week). I began using it and I have never gone back. Pretty much its a dirt cheap glam and glow mask. But better since it’s all natural. Turns out after some research the mud rock was benzonite clay from Afghanistan. In its pure and natural form its like a rock, soaking it in some warm water you see the minerals activate and the rock begin deteriorating, after I place it in a blender with some water and it becomes a creamy rich mud mask. This mask is AMAZING. I put it on my hair and skin and it after it dries on my face it acts as a natural exfoliate clearing all my dead skin and leaving my complexion brighter and removing all impurities such as black heads and white heads. Its a no chemical mask that works better than chemicals. My hair feels silky and truly I feel like it cleanses my scalp so much so that it allows for new hairs to spring out easily. If you have an afghan friend ask them to bring you some “gil e sar shoy” back when they visit Afghanistan.

The last few things I do to ensure my skin care works the best it can for me is what you’ve been told again and again and I will repeat since its the truth and nothing but the truth. WATER: drink at least 2L a day. Its easy to drink that slowly throughout the day, not only is your mind fresh and alert, your skin hair and nails will thank you. PILLOWCASE: Change it. I change mines twice a week if not once. Your dead skin, saliva, sweat, dirt, and oil can be the cause of your clogged pores and nasty break outs. If you can prevent it with some new clean sheets, why not. Vegetables: Cut back on the sugars, including fruits and eat your greens. when you poop more, there’s less toxins roaming around aimlessly in your body. All your vitamins and nutrients you take in will no doubt have a great effect on your skin,hair and nails. My go to top 3 vegetables for skin are cucumbers, spinach and beetroot. Squeeze lemon and sprinkle mint for added benefit. Get your recommended fish in take in as well for luminous skin.

 

 

Standard
divorce

Being a girl

 

Being a girl means having to be the pillar of your home

The cook

The maid

The breadwinner

The supporter. Emotionally. Physically.

The teacher. Guiding those around her on the right path.

The genie. granting favors and making wishes come true.

Being a girl is

Giving your soul to the ones you love

and getting poison spit at you in return

Being a girl means

Being told not to eat when the food is less

Being told not to go out often

Being told to dress a certain way

Look a certain way

Act a certain way

Being told to be the honor of the men in her life

Being told to become everyone and no one at the same time.

Go. Get your degree. But marry young and mould your life into his.

Forget your dreams. You have so many people you need to support and help reach their dreams.

Being a woman is being told you aren’t enough

Never was and never will be

How unfortunate you poor soul

to be born with two breasts and no penis.

Standard
divorce

Good Enough

I know I haven’t written in a while. But although many feelings have passed me, only till now I haven’t felt this fire fueled urge to write. I write because I have no one else to tell, it would create unnecessary drama and entertainment for my friends and followers on social media and also because I realize going back in the future only my writing helps me remember and rationalize my feelings.

So. getting to the point. who is good enough?

I remember a few years back an aunty was staring at me in a wedding and when I smiled back at her, she told me she wished her son was good enough (smart/financially capable/settled) to marry me. I laughed it off and said “thanks, I guess”. Today, I just saw a message her son sent me. It was in my junk folder of countless other guys who message me just to see if I will respond.. fling type messages. All he said is “salam” which technically there’s nothing wrong with. but it made me remember his mothers words, “I wish my son was good enough for you.” It made me wonder, why am I good enough for him now? Because I’m a divorcee? Because he might be doing the miserable, vulnerable, left over me a favor? Because I am not the same girl I was before? I know his message to me was a strong suggestion from his mom and sisters who adore me and have seen me around recently at parties and fundraisers. His message made me laugh and cringe from anger at the same time. How dare they.

pause.

How dare I? what makes me think I am too good for him? I admit, everyone has their standards… but what makes me think he is not on my level. Is it fair for him to think he can message me, if it is fair for me to think I am too good for him? What are the rules of what is right and what is wrong?

A few weeks back. A beautiful woman messaged me. On a pretence of wanting to be my friend. She slipped in the casual, my brother is a lovely educated bloke “looking for a good girl like you”.

Pause.

I’m a total and complete stranger to her. How does she know I’m a good girl? was my profile picture sufficient for her to be able to assume I was good. What is good? virgin apparently. because when I told her I was married once before, she left my inbox faster than she had slipped in. It made me sad for just a second, and then I moved on with my life.

Oh, and since we are remembering stories of people who are and aren’t good enough. Remember that old man, in his late 40’s that messaged me because again.. I was a good girl whom he had heard was a recent divorcee and if I wanted to meet up with him..

My Afghan community is stupid to say the least. I say stupid and no other term because stupid is a small, cheap word to describe the illiterate and narrow minded people who are a part of my cultural backgrounds. Not all of them of course.

Anyways. I get tons of messages from guys who truly aren’t on the same page as me in life, who I don’t think I would get along with do to differences in ideology and education and age and lifestyle who message me thinking they are scoring with a girl who they would have otherwise never had the guts to ask out simply because she is left over goods now. Because I am a divorcee, all these chump-change men think they have a good chance with me. And because I am chump change for everyone, good men don’t have a chance with me. Their mothers and sisters run when they hear the word divorcee, because their lovely brothers can do so much better.

But wait. Isn’t good supposed to mean educated, humble, goal-oriented.

Since when is good enough simply talking about someones sex life history.

I am so sorry I was married to someone who wasn’t a man. I can’t change that. But I wish I could stop all these filthy inbox messages distracting me from my happy life. I am good enough, I always have been and I always will be. Marrying an impotent brainless male didn’t change who I am as a person.

Standard
divorce

Parents 

I’ve healed much more since my last post although I know I have more healing left.

It’s been my friends wedding this entire week and it’s left me remembering my wedding. Although I no longer miss him or yearn for his love (which I rarely got anyways) it made me think about the other man in my life that I still feel betrayed by.

My dad never meant any harm to me. I know he loves me and I know he’s always wanted the best for me. But it doesn’t change the fact that he made a mistake and it cost me dearly. I feel like the tester child as the eldest and it sucks.

Watching my friend have a Quran khaani, then a dua by an imam followed by a very clean and well organized nikkah ceremony.. made me feel anger towards my dad.

I will never forget that on the first day I met my ex.. they shoved me into a tiny room without him.. my dads friend showed up and read out a few lines to which my mom told me to say yes to. Qubool hai qubool hai qubool hai. “Mom am I married now??” I said at the end of that awkward and unorganized few minutes. It’s still on tape. The guy said my name wrong all three times. I never heard the dua the imam made. My head wasn’t covered. I didn’t make wudu. I didn’t have the chance to make a dua. 

It still pains me that my first nikkah was like that. Such a pure moment was taken away from me. Because someone else had control over my life. No one asked me if I want to have my nikkah tied that day. No one gave me the chance to make a dua. No one gave me the chance to talk to the guy before hand. 

It still hurts. 

I don’t know when and if I will ever be able to forgive my dad 

Standard